i was like. eff you dude i'm 100% american. i went to a high school prom and i like springstein songs and i take rides in chevrolets.
you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
Legit screaming match in this bar over the differences between cupcakes and muffins.
Improvement. She went from pretending she was the soccer ball in the world cup games and it hurt when they kicked her to passed out on the floor.
The night was going well until I found tufts of my hair in the freezer. Then I got nervous
He said he wanted to have butt sex with me and curl up with me after and just be near me. Then he passed out.
You text him a porn site address and said GOODBYE ... I think he got the hint
Do you think I'm short enough to dress up in a ghost costume and go trick or treating and have people believe that I'm actually a child?
Someone somewhere has a picture of me vomiting in a bus stop trash can while a drag queen held my hair for me.
Pride claims another victim
I love that you'd blow off your high school reunion to get shit faced in an aquarium with us
Um. We all know how I feel about sea life
Eat your greens and take your tequila shots
You are the human incarnation of a drinking problem
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
Mid thrust, say hold on I need a pic for my friend.
PSA Do not blow dry your junk.
Randomize
