Honestly I wish you never came into my life. I know I don't want you. But I keep trying to get you back bc of the memories
I don't see you I see the memories. All the time
Last night i was gna tell u about how i was watching project runway & how i was upset bc they replaced tim gunn & heidi klum. but then i realized that i was watching mythbusters.
True life - we need to smoke together more often
im doing shots everytime lil jon says it in the song shots....blackout town here i come
Just hide your weed in your baby brothers shirt. TSA wont check a baby, thats fucked up
Hey on the reals though tomorrow if i take you out to lunch as just a friend will you also suck my cock as just a friend?
did i call you last night crying about tacos and the royal wedding again?
I like to think of it as a lesbian feast.
You installed a beer holder in the shower?! You're the best roommate ever!
... That's a shower caddy.
I believe this is a toe-mate-toe vs. toe-maut-toe situation.
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
Also, I found your gauge.
I found it under my pillow like a gift from the Sex Fairy.
Is banging someone in the national guard considered a state service or a national one?
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
IS NO AN EMOTION BECAUSE THAT'S WHAT I'M FEELING RIGHT NOW
i stood outside in the bushes for thirty minutes. Do you know how many drunk guys pee in bushes at 2 am?
She gave me a collar. When I asked what this was for she replied "I'm taming your dick"
Randomize
