Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
What did you even date her?
because emotionally unstable girls are great in bed.
you kind of just crawled on top of him. that was the point at which i became concerned with how drunk you were.
I feel like my uterus is decaying in my body
Ugh he's texting me.
Tell him you're no longer interested in what he has to offer; his shitty personality outweighs his sexual prowess.
She was moaning so loud as i walked out of the room her roommates gave me a standing ovation... i think they are next
You're invited to our X-games themed party. We have an ice luge and every time someone eats shit we drink. It's gonna be great.
So I have been told that I licked your eyebrows last night
He walked around my apt complex completely naked and started peeing in the maintenance because he thought it was the bathroom. So yeah, pretty drunk.
Maybe snorting K off penises isn't healthy
I feel like my life just hangs in the balance of "Yeah I'm probably not doing this right"
These tits shall not be calmed
Youre a wreck. Youll be in your dorm weeping to project runway covered in pizza sauce and smelling of stale beer
So my furniture is upside-down, two lamps are glued to the ceiling, and there is a kitten sleeping on Kyle's face. Please tell me what happened last night....
Randomize
