"you've got the devil in yuh. the curse of Jesus is coming on your sex soon." That's what a homeless guy just told me.
Definitely just saw a grown man at wal mart wearing high heels and carrying a baby
What the fuck were you doing at wal mart?
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
He lectured me about the dangers of drugs while wearing a sombrero and doing interpretive dance.
That's why I don't chug things. Because when I was a freshman in college tequila came out my nose.
I am too drunk to deal with your everything. Reread this everytime you feel the need to talk to me.
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
As long as I don't spend the half the week passed out/fucked up on Klonopin and no one dies, this will be the best week I've had all semester.
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
Just found out my rents have been paying my siblings to cockblock me for the past 5 years
Not as covert as you thought huh?
People were running around punching out the ceiling tiles Super Mario style.
Wat day did I have sex in my sleep? I just made a Dr appt for Friday and I want to talk to her about it
His dick isn't even good enough to be this much of an asshole
my mom talks about my drinking like its a problem and yet this morning she fills me a solo cup with champagne for the shower.
Seriously. There were about 4 hours in which I swear my nose was not attached to my face.
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