TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
listening to the two girls in the next stall finish a 40 and laugh at this guy they both fucked. they're calling him 'tulip dick'.
Your little brother is asking me for an "expert opinion" on his dick size.
I found your doppelganger. same hair, eyes, personality, catch phrases, and penis. it was mind-boggeling.
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
Now I don't feel like I'm sweating cheeseburger all the time.
I need a costume for that party. Even if I'm just taking it off.
Nothing says Happy Holidays like sending a picture of your ass to the wrong manager.
I guess the lesson here is that I shouldn't send nudes to elected officials.
I called you last night? What did I say??
That you love me forever and that I'm the greatest in the world now mohammed ali is dead...
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
The bad thing is that I bled through my bandages last night and keep finding blood around the house. It's almost like a scavenger hunt for solber me. I get to find out where drunk me went.
yea i'll help you find a man. but, when I say jump, you say on who.
It’s awful. They need to open the bars. I’m now trolling grocery stores looking for dick
Randomize
