I think someone spiked my drink last night. .. Like all 20 of them.
there's a guy here who looks like a hipster got a hold of obama and gave him a makeover.
he actually proposed, and i threw up on him...i guess 5 glasses of wine was a bad idea.
So...it's hour 4 of day 5 of week 7 of my internship, and so far all ive done is shred paper. all. day. long. it's like working for Enron.
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
well I already know I'm going to hell, at this point it's really go big or go home
I just told the toilet I loved it. Bad sign.
If I got everything I wanted in the world, I would have been forcing soup down your throat hours ago
I would rather her be sleeping with someone new than getting to go Harry Potter world before me...
My sexual preferences tend to require a degree in psychology to understand
Well I got black out drunk before the rehearsal dinner and berated my family with insults. But other then that it was a good time
If you gave someone an std. would you say a muffin basket, a candy gram or an edible arrangement is a better choice to send them?
She said she was sorry for rolling around in her own vomit. Honestly, I thought it really added to the party.
Wait, you met him on Onlyfans? The guy from last night? Which one of you is the fan?
Because one of you banged your stalker
Randomize
