How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
he mailed me a thank you note for the blowjob.
Just did lines off a tackle box. Love Montana.
I tried doing a handstand in the middle of the bar and I ended up kicking this old guy in the face and broke his glasses. Thats how I got kicked out
I've never seen a grown man cry so much after getting jerked off by a stripper. I say it's the best $600 he ever spent.
Why is there a school picture of an 8 year old boy in my pocket...?
Just walked out of 7 11 still in uniform when 4 girls in bikinis in a convertable screamed "we fuck firefighters!"
Career choice validated
All three shower stalls were filled with couples fucking and then someone yelled "switch" and... We switched
I'm cleaning my apartment while naked. Anyone who says that's not why they want to live on their own is lying.
Oh Jesus. Are you going to the hospital?
No I'm showering then leaving for Vegas
Mischief managed.
YOU ARE NOT A MARAUDER, WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO NOW?
DO NOT TRY TO APPROACH HER CAT. IT IS A DEMON CAT FROM SATAN'S BALLS AND IT *WILL* TRY TO KILL YOU. I SPEAK FROM EXPIRENCE.
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
Is it sad to eat a candy bra by yourself?
I woke up, topless, my car was parked funny so I threw on my hoodieto go fix it and found a jello shot in my pocket. where did I go last night?!
Randomize
