So now everyone thinks I don't know what a condom is
Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
Just took my first sake bomb. I love japan
i lost his rear view mirror, your phone charger, and my lesbian virginity. 21 isn't shaping up too well so far.
you're being fucking weird and i don't like it. text me when you're not being the after picture on a poster for rehab
Sober now. I'm really glad I didn't try to make out with that guy who has a pregnant fiance
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
So I had sex in a bulldozer lastnight now that's definitely a first...
We were walking home from Pluckers (read carrying your drunk ass) and out of nowhere you yelled "Say bitch you got a Facebook?" at a random chick walking by.
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
You handed me an unpeeled grapefruit off the frat basement floor and then took a bite out of it.
Jesus Christ, it's not like going swimming. You don't have to wait 20 minutes after you eat to suck a dick
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
I kept falling all over the place and yelled at the bouncer you can't kick me out I'm from Texas.
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