Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
What wine goes with Cap'n Crunch?
So many bounce houses so little time
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
Theres a high probability there will be two hot men waiting on you in your bed when you get home for lunch.
she tried to deny peeing on the floor last night. she said she wouldn't make it to the bathroom only to pee on the floor
oh but she would
Just getting in the shower.... found a "great job" sticker stuck to my boob.
So how was your night?
Come my child we shall walk thru the pasture of amazing sex and corndogs. Hint:some corndogs are not corndogs.
So I found where you barfed in my house. Just wanted to let you know that my cat barfed on the kitchen floor in a show of solidarity
He also ordered me a vibrator last week, so the flowers kind of balance it out
Is it against health code to come into work half drunk and commando?
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
Turns out both me and my grandpa have a guilty pleasure for South American men.
Him showing up yesterday was like a giant ego stroke for my vagina.
No, not if I told them not to. they listen to me. I have a vagina.
Randomize
