i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
I just had a flashback of me saying "I'm not ready to be a deadbeat mom" lastnight.
he spent an hour trying to convince us that Ted Nugent is Kid Rock from the future. by the end of it i was very close to believing him.
The bartender asked if I wanted a to-go cup for my crown and coke.....I just realized I'm back in Montana and fuck did I miss home.
Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...
Just got a nosebleed, my period and the runs all at the same time. I'm either dying, or this is the first sign of the apocalypse. You warning you in case it's the latter.
A guy is going to be inside me and I'm gunna start singing "I am stuck on your penis, cause your penis is stuck in meeee!"
She started telling me about this odd patch of smooth skin under her boobs. Not sure if she was hitting on me or looking for free advise from a doctor...
I mean, I still played with her tits for like 20min tho.
All I want to do is sleep. And If I'm not sleeping, I want to be eating or fucking. I'm pretty sure being pregnant has turned me into a dude.
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
I opened a bud lite with a fencing sword last night. Yeah you banged that guy.
You could cut the tension with my nipples.
I skipped the handshake and went right for a dickshake I had him minutes after I saw him.
Let's just say if my bucket list had "fngered in the middle of a club by a complete stranger while being sprayed by UV paint" then that is well and truly ticked off.
Our sex sesh was interrupted by a bunch of hobos fighting outside his apartment.
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