I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
and then he proceeded to take what he called, a whip cream shower.
Just come back with most of your limbs...and your dick. Please and thank you
I definitely hasselhoffed a taco bell burrito on my kitchen floor in front of my dad and little brother.
some fat dude with wolverine facial hair just walked out of your room with a snuggie. explanation needed.
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
it was either a cry for help or you were gargling vodka. we didnt care either way.
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
Shes 18 and still has a curfew. it was great. didnt have to worry about her still being here in the morning.
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
Vodka tonic time....wish me luck!
Go for it my man. I'm saving my shit show night for tomorrow. Gonna make it a big one just to let the entire bar know why I'm single
Made my roommate send me tit pics so I could send them to someone because I didn't want to move.
Will keep you updated on the sexual orientation of my new guy
Shhh embrace your inner whore. Just embrace it.
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