you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
After 12 shots he decided to show us knife tricks. You can figure out how it ended
Need toilet paper. Napkins suck. Slowly running out of those two and the bleeding hasn't stopped. Your cat is next
I've done nothing but whore my gay ex bf out for the past 48 hours. It's getting weird.
I woke up to him pissing in their fireplace with fairy wings on.
The only thing you accomplished yesterday was dry humping me on the floor of my work place WHILE I was working.
We had to take the hinges off the bathroom door. Needless to say, you are no longer welcome at that bar
Worst drunk idea ever... Me "Cops are looking for two guys, one in a grey shirt one in a blue shirt" jelly "lets take out shirts off they'll never find us" of course I thought it was brilliant
Jesus Christ that hit just spoke to so many levels of my soul. It's caressing them softly
The compounded multi day delayed hangover hit me hard today, with a vengeance normally reserved for large objects that go in my ass. I don't feel good.
why are there 3 differently sized panties on our kitchen counter?
My cat is staring at me while I drink my wine on the bathroom floor in the morning instead of attending class. Sorry mom and dad. Sorry cat.
Like who turns down taking a nap inside of someone in 2014.
Just so you know, you called at 2 last night and kept making me tell you that I loved you and then when you got home you thanked me for walking you home. Incase you forgot, I'm still about 200 miles away.
Can you get an STD by sharing underwear? Walk of shamed home and realized I was wearing someone else’s panties
No one knows. This doesn’t happen to normal people.
Randomize
