First rule of pills: If you can't remember what it is, take half.
If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
He just walked into my room in a robe with a cooking pot of cereal.
I can't believe I paid your booty call for a ride home in cake.
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
I found your wallet in my underwear drawer......... Don't worry I don't plan on asking any questions
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
going on a mission to find my pants and the guy who stole my beer don't wait up
Hahaha more like walk of pride. You entered the lions den last night.
yeah but really his dick tasted like soap. like i was blowing a bar of soap
I thought I needed to get laid. Turns out I just needed pasta.
i showed up really high and was trying to not be,so in order to not seem high, i got plastered
Im bringing my light up rubber ducky just in case we end up at a rave tonight. HE CHANGES COLOR!
Its not something you can force it it just has to happen like a rainbow or pooping
Randomize
