Its as if he has to do the exact opposite of what I tell him. Don't come in my eye, pfshh it's in my eye. Don't come on the cat, pfshh it's on the cat.
He's got serious oatmeal ass...take a moment and admire how google voice to text was able to detect oatmeal ass....twice
I caught her walking around with a fake mustache, wearing a sombrero and holding an empty carton of milk. She's a hopeless cause.
We didn't have sex because he locked himself in the bathroom and passed out while he was taking a shit. I cuddled with his cat.
I dont know what we smoked last night but I woke up and found out I started writing a book called White Trash Princess. Its the best thing Ive ever read
We passed out in his car so I had to find a way to inconspiciously make my walk of shame back inside to go get my shit. To make things more difficult I had no pants and the whole neighborhood was awake
I'm considering having a threesome with my friend just so I can sleep with his boyfriend and not feel guilty about it.
Just recreated a sandwich from the caf in my own kitchen. Graduation denial at it's finest.
If your find a 12 pack on your doorstep consider it a gentleman's agreement to never speak of that night again
Great. I will show up in your office wearing only oven mitts later today.
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
I was thrusting to the beat of Felix Navidad..
You -do- realize there are other things to talk about than just how different parts of you smell like pussy, right?
Just got invited to a tree party by some random chicks. They're literally just sitting up in a tree with a handle of rum and a box of goldfish crackers and yelled at me as I was walking by...
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
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