So it's 11:24am. I've had sex twice and been laid 3 times. I love holidays!
I understand the whole sex thing but did you really get laid or is that synonymous for more alcohol?????
Honestly.
Don't say a word.
I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
and all i could think about was how mcdonalds would not be open anymore after we were done having sex
Tequila shots with cinnamon and orange write it down before I forget
I wish we could tell the moving van to wait at the strip club for a while.
mom just asked if we are going to need more kaluha as she pulls 5 out of the cupboard. this xmas might kill me
Kid sitting next to me smells like he slept in a dutch oven full of farts. Going to die.
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
ive cried into many a lonely burritos..
There's a picture of you on facebook laying in the street with 3 cops standing over you after you faceplanted off that guy's shoulders.
Is that what happened to my face?!
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with someone crawling around my carpet for 3 hours trying to pick up spilled coke...
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with ME crawling around your carpet for 3 hours trying to save my investment.
Feels like I ran a marathon last night. A tequila marathon.
He hit me up on Grindr and called me "bro." I just have to assume that the sex is going to be bad.
he called her and asked for me. he wants to do dinner and a movie
her booty call wants to take you to dinner?
And the you walked in and said to the only under age dude "IM NOT SLEEPING WITH YOU TONIGHT!!!" You may not have high standards but thanks for not sleeping with my brother!
Randomize
