This is your Morning Wood Report: I have it.
atleast your grandma didn't give you her USED dildo just so you wouldn't have sex.
Nothing says "This dudes gotta go" better than a boner on your back waking you @ 5 in the morning
Disney World has no open container laws. Ohmygod this place is even cooler than it was when I was ten.
know what the best part about malls are? standing on the upper level and boob gazing
i'm sorry, but my penis isnt the solution to your problems
1. Sorry about making it snow. 2. If it left a mess, I will be over to clean it. 3. Can that fire extinguisher still be used? If not, I'll buy a new one. 4. I just wanted to make it snow!
You were carrying around a milk crate, randomly putting it down calling out 'praise be to the milk gods' and making people pray to it.
I am eating deep fried cinnamon rolls and I found a lighter in my sprinkles. I miss you.
I doubt she'll sponsor it. You know alcohol and fireworks don't mix, right?
It's okay. We're not going to soak the fireworks in alcohol. The alcohol is for drinking.
I think I died last night.
Yeah, you got carried home
Pretty good. They took the stitches out but it still hurts like a bitch. The doctor says I should be off crutches by next week.
Well, that's good. Let's hope drunk you doesn't sabotage you.
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
i'm in a very strange mood rn i'm listening to bruno mars??? am i ok????
I have easymac and six pack of beer. This night can't get any better.
Randomize
