Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
The weather is perfect in Seattle right now. Warm enough for girls to not wear bras, but cold enough for me to see them nipping out in the shade.
I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
And next time, don't pick a fight with me when you're naked. That's just not fair
It's only 10 in the morning...josh is already on the way to the ER for trying to shotgun a beer with a sparklers sticking out of it on fire.
currently pooping in a public restroom while drinking free beer. there has never been a finer line between awesome and depressing.
I've never been more scared for my virginity in my life. And I lost my virginity almost 6 years ago.
I feel like I'm going to shit out a Big Mac
I told him finishing at the same time would be a long-term project. Like flipping a house. A sexual house.
Can I come by? I want you to meet my squirrel
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
I DIDN'T WATCH THE PILLSBURY DOUGH BOY PORN!!!!
You know youre getting old when you I.D. the person trying to take you home to be sure they're over 25. Help me.
So he cheated on his gf again. For the third time. Second time with me. HE CRIED WHILE DRIVING ME HOME BECAUSE HE CHEATED ON HER. And I laughed the entire way. Good god I'm an asshole.
I just want a guy who makes lots of money, has a skilled penis and the sex drive of a 22 year on Viagra. Is that too much to ask?
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