i wonder if she has dreads down there too...
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
she is using a fork to eat popcorn and refuses to drink gatorade out of anything but a margarita glass... did i mention the popcorn is on a plate?
tequila makes me forget i have legs
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
Whatever. It was high school. Back then I'd blow anyone who had enough room between their chest and their steering wheel for my head to fit.
You sprayed lysol all over me. You said that my soberness was infecting your night.
He only dropped the Russian accent after we started having sex.
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
Selling our snow shovel to buy more beer. Not your brightest idea.
She seriously left me for a guy that likes his own statuses on facebook.....
Tip: never mention Guy Fieri during sex
He changed the password on his Netflix account. The break up is official.
He caught a Pokemon on my head while I sucked him off. I think I need to marry him.
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