So I went home with some chick last night... I'm not sue what's worse: not getting a nut at 5am, the condom breaking and not being replaced, feeling poo when I put my finger in her but, sleeping on a heroin mattress in her living room, her swine flu coughing fit at 7am or realizing she peed the matt at 10am. Actually it was probably the fact that she continuously told me she was the classiest girl in boulder.
shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
just walked past a group of stoners who were staring open jawed in the spice aisle. tonight they will stumble upon something amazing.
we went through the mcdonalds drive through and you asked for a free sample of their fries to see how you liked them.
my drunken justification for peeing in her closet was that her shoes were ugly
We had a deepthroating contest with breadsticks at Olive Garden
Four times in one night? That Energizer bunny outfit lived up to the hype.
Hey texans ride hard. He should have known what he was in for when I asked to sit on his face. The broken nose was a BADGE he just earned.
Don't know why you're always hating on relationships. I've had chocolate pancakes accompanied by a blowjob and a blunt and it's not even 9 am. Time for mid morning shower sex. Enjoy your morning bong bowl alone asshole
Oh hell no my vagina is on that screenshot
Hooked up with a straight guy while dressed as a man. I'm unstoppable.
If anything I look like a soccor mom going out for her annual ladies night. Trying hard, but not quite in her twenty's anymore.
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
I'm gonna adopt her diet plan of secretly sleeping w a desperate ex... It combines excersise & loss of appetite due to guilt
Now just crop his dad out and add it to the spank bank.
Randomize
