@ a funeral. fucking miss uuuu
is it bad if my mug shot looks better than my profile picture?
I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
What's the point of having 3 fuck buddies when their periods all seem to sync up
You ad-libbed two DETAILED rounds of price is right, 1 wheel of fortune, and 1 deal or no deal.... by yourself with sound effects and music included
somehow, even strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA can't understand why he'd choose her over me
maybe it's because you talk to strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA
After he came all he could say was how great the lighting fixtures where in my apartment.
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
Not sure. He doesn't know where New York is on a map but he gives an incredible spanking.
Who cares about New York?
I can't open my mouth wide enough to make full use of this snapchate update
I probably shouldn't be taking relationship advice from my side piece...
Can't talk, I'm icing "sorry I barfed on your couch" onto a cookie cake
you know you need to get laid when: getting wrestled to the ground in a self-defense class turns you on....p.s. this is a booty call
It’s so white trash that I almost have to have it.
This is the most exciting thing since movie theater hand jobs
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