I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
I just read the lonely terrorist on nwa had 40 more friends than me on facebook
found a pic of my little bro & his girl naked. he got the brains and the huge junk gene. I hate him
my dad's beating me at drinking again. No matter what i do I can't win.
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
Her mom is home on her lunch break. Guess who's hiding In the Closet?
ALSO, bringing a stapler to the bar is a good idea
I fcuked ip.
Is this your way of telling me that you got drunk in your office before meeting with your dissertation advisor again? Or that you finally banged that freshman fraternity pledge?
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
CAN I EVER JUST MAKE OUT EITH SOMEONE AND NOT GET FRIEND REQUESTED BY THEM THE NEXT DAY.
That was the night, like, my hair caught on fire...
My boobs just got me out of my third ticket last night
i'm so proud. i woke up to nearly seven feet of basketball player in my bed this morning
you win. again.
Yeah. We're taking this fuck buddy relationship to the next level. Sober weekday sex.
Apparently the girl he banged in the bathroom yelled at him for hitting on me all night. But whatever, he was holding her hand for most of it
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