mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
we were having sex in the bathroom when his aunt knocked on the door
and rather than go out and meet her, i climbed out the window. so now she thinks he was masturbating and moaning his own name in a really girly voice
ppl dont tell me stories about anal. apparently im not a tell-me-stories-about-anal kind of person
you just broke rule number 1. If you can't lift her up don't date her
Why do bread and butter chips remind me of eating out your mom?
you two started sword fighting with 3 ft tall spruce trees you pulled out of planters
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
It's a self-perpetuating puke chain.
I wish on days I started my period Chipotle would come to my house with a burrito bar ... Then give me a chocolate cake and a large beer.
You know what would make this walk of shame even better? Picking up my cap n gown on the way to my car
The sad part is that if I don't get a random pic of your balls or ass or both every month, I start to worry that we're not friends anymore
My mom has a bong in her bathroom, but no air freshener.
STOP SENDING ME NAKED PICTURES WHEN I'M TRYING TO TEACH. MONDAY TUESDAY 1-3 IS A DICK AND ARSE FREE ZONE
I told him to take his man panties off and take the fucking Jaeger bomb already, so no to a 2nd date
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