I see lights
Your drunk and in times square. Time to take the 2 train home.
They threw me out of the bar because I was arguing business ethics with the owner of th bar
what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
Day 8 of being sober: Sniffed an empty beer bottle at a restaurent and almost licked it. This is not working
and then he started using my ass as a stressball
At 4am he sent "uree asss ize anmazin"
No one would take shots with Caroline so she asked the bartender for like 20 jagerbombs and then shouted "JAGERBOMBS FOR HOMELESS ANIMALS BENEFIT" and everyone started doing them with her
It was rough. I have dried puke in my hair and I don't know if it's mine or from the girl I met on the ground waiting for a cab.
please let it be arousing that I used numbers to figure out how well I'd give you head
Well he offered to lick my asshole so...I'm not really worried about his interest level.
I wonder how drunk we can get before Christmas Caroling turns into trespassing.
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
I am confused/concerned about the circumstances that led to your consumption of 3 beta fish last night.
Randomize
