I think we should involve a squid next time we fuck.
u kno there is a reason i dont tell mi friends about u
heading to class now, facing the weekend consquences
maybe if i keep dancing i won't throw up
if theres anything i pride myself on, its my ability to look homeless.
we were sitting in the bathtub when she came in with her grandpas cane adn beat us until lindsay passed out
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
They ran out of ice at the party, so I fixed my drink with frozen broccoli....the show must go on!
Waking up with a sore back because you put the team on it for jager pong all night
I've been drinking vodka for the last 12 hours at the beach and can't see straight and have awesome hair.
LIFE IS #1 SOMETIMES
I have fence marks all over my body
You keep making the old jokes & I'm gonna come down with a sudden case of low-estrogen related vaginal dryness..
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
My new plan is to whip out my titties when they arrive. Maybe they won’t notice that I broke the couch fucking my boss...
There is no way entering a gas station bathroom memorializing an alien abduction in rural New Hampshire is a good idea.
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