You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
i dont care that its taken 20 hrs to pee without hurting, BEST HATE SEX EVER.
I have discovered something important. The trick to making food taste better is not always 'more hot sauce'.
He practically bottle-fed me Jameson, like I was a baby chimpanzee on those nature specials.
We have a drunk bartender with her nips a quarter inch from bein out buying us shots. GET HERE.
You just said the magic words
Ok...drunk girls at the bar are charging $1 for motorboating. It's fucking WEDNESDAY. I never want to leave.
So apparently we dropped beers outside the apartment last night, and someone RETURNED them! Ha like what? I just walked out the front door to Christmas in a box on my doorstep.
Oh shut up man. Once the police get involved its every man for themself.
Dude, she gave me a handski that literally felt like she was starting a lawn mower...
Do you think he feels stupid trying to bang girls with his small penis? I'd be embarrassed.
Girl, we were harassing people from the top of a building. I don't know how I got down, but I'm eating chocolate cake in my kitchen. Sall good yo.
The beer bottle was sticking out of your zipper and you shook it onto unsuspecting patrons
Eh, I don't question what my penis likes. It just does what it does.
You're now part of the minority of friends who haven't seen my boobs.
Randomize
