her orgasm sounded like a fucking walrus crying.
I honestly get shocked all over again every time I pull his pants down. It's one of those feelings you never get tired of.
There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
She brought a box of chocolates to give the bartender and now he's giving her free shots.. Why didn't we think of that?
she just punched a dude and called him a peasant for not drinking fast enough in flip cup.
So his "youporn" cam totally caught me stealing quesadilla leftovers.
I went from innocently day drinking to waking up handcuffed in jail. Fuck you game days
i was beyond wasted so he tucked me into bed and wrapped the blankets around me like a burrito. then gave me a bloody mary and an omlet when i woke up. and who says living with your cousin is a bad thing?!
i can't believe he threw up on you. Well thats what you get for being DD. I used the sombreros as a shield!
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
Oh ya, I forgot to tell you, last night I woke up to the sound of you peeing on the floor next to the fridge, didn't remember until now. Have fun at Dayton!
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
Congrats you've received dick pics from an Olympic silver medalist
Just took an Adderall with Pedialyte so I think that's a valid answer to "how are you doing"
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
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