Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
Never let Scott cook bacon and eggs at 2am while drunk. You should have seen the flames.
its raining. im dressed as yoda and im trick or treating alone. and i wonder why im still a virgin..
I'm gonna go out on a limb and say it had something to do with pool sex.
How the fuck did you end up in a tree? With multiple people?
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
found out that hot proper business chick in my class A) did a bar crawl last 2 night and still showed up to class and B) is 19 and C) so not as proper as I thought D) is single. How the fuck does that work? Freaking superwoman.
I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.
I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...
The security guard popped his head over the mens room door and goes "nice tits- now get out." Deer in headlights moment right there.
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
It was incredible. For as long as I live, I will gladly drop whatever I'm doing and spend a night with her face between my legs ANY time she asks.
I am decidedly straight, but I'll write it into my wedding vows if I have to.
and everyone will high five me and girls will approach me offering blowjobs
too bad we didn't bet. my 38-1 tears would have made great lubrication for a blow job.
I don't think I'm ever gonna need a boyfriend again. I have a body pillow, a vibrator, and I'm strong enough to open my own jars.
Just let me pee on you and I'll leave you alone.
Randomize
