Do you think this abandoned cigarette has herpes? cuz I'm tempted.
I found a dealer that takes plastic. I'm so in trouble.
So what if i ate it off the ground. Its like i found a five dollar bill just laying there, in burrito form.
If I banged a coworker last night but didn't enjoy it can I put it down on my timesheet?
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
I know it's pride week, but your asshole is just never supposed to taste like banana.
There's a black statue of liberty dancing on the side of the road. Please hold while I join him.
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
you walked onto the street in the middle of the 10K in your thong. it was a whole new kind of expirience.
if i do community service solely to impress a guy, everyone wins, right?
except your soul
Your brother just walked into my room, pissed drunk and butt naked, got into my bed and fell asleep. In knowing I am gay, you have one hour to deal with him before I do
For future reference, when he drunkenly screams "YOUR MOTHER SUCKS COCKS IN HELL," he means that he's about to throw up. Invest in a bucket.
well, i found him passed out on a picnic table two miles away with a lit cig in his hand...he had a rough night
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Randomize
