Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
My Higher Power is John Stamos
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
Fact: Telling a guy he has erectile dysfunction doesn't solve the problem.
I think he just gave me the 'I used to fuck your sister' discount
You are softly singing to the wall while slow dancing with it. I feel as though you should discontinue this behavior.
They let me close the tennis center alone. It's a 6-minute drive from 2 of my booty calls. Scratch tennis court bj off the bucket list.
Please ignore everything I told you about my girlfriends vagina last night.
Please assure him that the flying penis statue is for display purposes only.
I plan on just grabbing someone's dick if I have to. They will know what's up. Why else do you go to a bar alone on valentines day?
She just got on the scale. frowned, got off and took off her pants and then got back on
I was so drunk that I passed out before I could do or say anything I'd regret. My low alcohol tolerance is like a guardian angel.
Its my nipple ring piercing anniversary. We need to celebrate.
I haven’t been this excited since I found out they sold cases of Jack Daniels.
He took off all my clothes, fingered me, than said "would you be more comfortable if I was naked too?"
Randomize
