hotel room ftw
Me and my dog bond so much when im high.
Somehow I managed to make my Dunkin Donuts uniform look slutty. And I'm not even wearing hoops.
Dude you picked up her Chihuahua and threatened to kill it yelling "it's not cinco de mayo, bitches"
Giving me the bigger bowl of ramen isn't considered "romantic"
Just found out the guy that gave me herpes died. now everytime I get a flare up, it'll be like he's coming back to say hello
Man the liquor store just wrong numbered me, its a sign even god wants me to drink
My picture of a beer can in a McDonalds cup full of ice got more likes than my relationship with her. Is beer THAT much better than monogamy?
when the officer asked him if he had been drinking, he just goes, "yeah, you?" then falls onto the table.
It was like getting a handjob from a frost giant
It felt as if we were fucking on a sea of baby feet and morgan freemans face hair
CUT OFF ALL YOUR HAIR COME ON MAN LET'S DO THIS
I just found those cheese sticks in my purse. Along with a handful of confetti.
No I don't. You owe me sex and cinnamon rolls.
I just saw a guy walking up the stairs with his dick out his pants. I let him know, and he just looked down in shock, laughed, and continued walking up the stairs.
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