I'm at this poker game and this kid to my left is bragging about all the chicks he hits including a "playboy model" when all of a sudden this 22 guy looks him in the eye and says "ever fuck a 70 woman. The things they can and are willing to do" Next think the whole table is quiet for an hour. That guys my hero...
I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
I just took boredom to a whole new level. I just auto-tuned and remixed today's western civ lecture
I heard that if you win you get to have sex with me. You guys really need to stop wagering my vagina.
As I was driving her home she congratulated each and every deer we saw for making it through the first day of dear season.
After a couple hours you decided you were going to walk home but ten minutes later you called and said you'd puked by the side of the road and you needed us to drive you to the art museum.
how was it?
he was petting the bushes because they were "napkins"
I just saw a fat chick ask the bartender to top her corona off with grenandine cuz she has a "sweet tooth" no that's diabetes fatty
The face that yo gabba gabba comes up when I'm stoned and searching for yoga workouts is scary or dangerous
We need to step up our tailgating...they're here drinking out of a prosthetic leg
All I want is to get as high as I did that time I started hallucinating that my brother was becoming a monkey and I saw my mum on every surface of your room.
My roommate just yelled at me for coughing. I'd like to yell at her for doing lines off our counter last night.
I'm definitely drunk. At the gyno. On my birthday. Life is a joooooooke
I just saw puke on the road at the same stoplight i threw up at sunday morning! Makes me smile inside.
Randomize
