I'm fucking him on the second date. I don't give a fuck what Patti Stanger says.
my underwear are soaked with white zifandel yet i have continued to wear them despite the fact im at home
he put listerine on his cock to make the taste more "enjoyable"... i think hes a keeper.
i have a "get your shit together" dinner with my parents tonight. After that ill be down to party
So high. I just took a picture of my chewed gum so I can remember to paint a picture of it as a cloud later.
I feel like shaving is just admitting i'm gonna do him, even though im still on the fence
shave. it'll take 10 min. Better safe than hairy.
I got lit on fire and andy went to jail last night. Totally unrelated incidents though.
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
Speaking of gay, some dude in a life vest just goes, we should pull our dicks out! To larry. Were leaving now. I saw penis
In the pie chart of my life, she is a huge part of why I drink.
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
It's situations like these that make me climb out of windows
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
It's like if you wanna bond just do a ropes course or have group sex you don't have to be weird about it
I don’t mind that he’s uncircumcised. It’s the fact that he talks about the Bible immediately after we have sex .
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