I heard that if you win you get to have sex with me. You guys really need to stop wagering my vagina.
IT'S FRIDAY. So quit being a pussy, get out of bed, and come help me drink these 40s. That's not a request.
The vomit I understand but how is there seaweed in my bed?
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
Well I just walked into a wedding reception and im currently eating a cannoli in the men's room while pissing
C'mon. I'm still an alcoholic at heart, regardless of its broken or not
Also, the greatest of ironies: I got shampoo confiscated by security while Corey managed to get pot through. MERICA!
His name was Kyle but I insisted on calling him baby Jesus all night and then we did a line and he bought me Taco Bell so idk
She's really sweet and cute, but when she drinks, she becomes way too proud of her bush.
Woke up on a lawn chair hugging a bottle of vodka. Hows your morning so far?
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
I think part of my soul drowned in beer and/or jack daniels last night.
all my friends are getting married and here i am in a committed relationship with rum
Randomize
