The pink midgets playing hockey is the EXACT reason cold meds and alcohol do not mix. Period.
he wont speak to me right now because i told him it must suck knowing he'll never be as good as edward cullen..idiot.
We planned for the zombie apocalypse. In great detail. Of course there was booze involved.
She told me that when she orgasms she just lays there like that baby from teenmom. Who the fuck says that
LSD in a sugar cube. Dropped it in my whiskey sour and felt like I was rowing a boat.
Nuts. Absolutely nuts. she just screamed in my face something about not knowing whats happening and then got tackled by a dude
There's no point in calling it Big Titties Tuesday if girls with big tits don't get anything special
Eating an ice cream sandwich while your little bro gets me weed. May I adopt him?
Jesus, I just want to drink. Also simultaneously punch things and rub my vagina on them.
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
Just woke up and read the text that drunk me sent you, i take it all back, and you can't have my power puff girl pillow either.
The wine is franzia the food is cheese puffs there is a canoe full of beer and the andre glasses are mason jars glued to candle sticks. i shit you not. Best. Wedding. Ever.
There's something sensual about taking off a pair of socks.
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