if there werent so many compromising pictures of me in the hands of so many liberal friends, id consider going into politics
Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
had another sex dream about alec baldwin...
The nice sales man at 711 gave me a handful of free lighters for buying a carton of cigarettes. I guess the depressed damsel in distress look works for me.
she's on the floor slapping my dogs face with slices of pizza
I dont think he stole the pillow. I mean if he wanted a souvenir, my thong was on the nightstand.
I'm sober in pajamas at a bar. Nothing is ok about that statement.
But he made me breakfast and understands the fuck sleep fuck sleep necessities
There's a fried egg and an empty bottle of reddiwhip in the parking lot. Did you have fun last night?
Survival tip #3: while you're hooking up with him, don't say he reminds you of his brother
I'm gonna go to bars and pick up women hopped up on democracy.
She jumped on a table and took off her shirt and started yelling things that no one understood. For being 3, she has a dead on impression of a drunk party girl.
Shaving your bikini line at 11 at night in the Walmart bathroom feels trashy no matter why you're doing it.
250 people in this lecture & my prof asks who already drank green beer this morning& is drunk right now. I WAS THE ONLY ONE TO RAISE MY HAND
Sarah was butt-chugging wine and diarrhea'd all over the wall
Randomize
