There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
2:45a: Any chance you got 3000 bucks on you?
He smothers me through text. I can't even image what he'd be like in person.
You tried to convince our cab driver that your $2 bill was worth $11.70
party gras won. party gras always wins.
I had something called a trashcan. Never again. I almost fucked chewbacca.
I don't see what kind of idea someone could get from an envelope covered in jesus stickers and a note from a person and their dog. I'd say crazy person alert before flirting.
Props to the guy on crutches playing edward forty hands. Dedicated to drinking games is an understatement.
Spring Fling is on 420. The theme better be 'Flower Child'.
I want there to be fog machines and unicorns.
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
man my uterus needs to drop the egg or GTFO, BUUUSHIT
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
I honestly just wanna put my face in her tits and disappear from this plane of existence
my roommate had drunk sex above me in our bunk bed and then built me a fort to apologize the next day
boys just don't understand what they're missing out on.
he's missing out on my boobs looking marvelous this evening.
Randomize
