ur dog is so gonna tell on us one day.
for doing what?
for smoking bowls out on the deck while your parents aren't home.
Prostitute standing on the corner thrusting at cars as they drive by. New marketing strategy?
I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
As of tonight I have officially had sex during every Disney movie.
im pretty sure thats the first step to being a pedafile
Fuck him. I'll set him on fire for you. Then we'll see how good of a firefighter he is.
I say we get drunk before the exam tomorrow. At least then we have a valid excuse for failing.
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
Thanks to her sunglasses tan, I can't look at her when she blows me cause it's like getting blown by a raccoon. A very talented raccoon
I was in a house full of lesbians and they were all staring at me. I felt like the last cresent roll on Thanksgiving.
I have never heard someone not give a fuck so poetically in my life. I feel like you should be leading men into battle with a speech like that
I'll keep you from getting pregnant and you keep my papers gramaticallly correct
It's fine...I've done worse things to better people.
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
this new dose of ADD meds is totally being waisted with the unemployed new graduate thing if only I could add my hyper focused side effects to a coverletter
You kept telling everyone that you were as sober as a camel. I have yet to figure out what that means
Randomize
