I pooped in a mop bucket.
WTF???
Their employee restroom was locked what kind of customer service is that
i got lost in a forest last night. this morning I realized the "forest" was just 6 trees on campus.
Instead of peeing my cute lil blue panties I peed in the train parking lot in front of an asian.
Well my dea agent brother is visiting so I'm gonna get high and see if he notices
The only word I understood in that whole setence was semen.
you cried when she wouldn't let you have her bathroom rug.
Maybe I'm a robot.
You can't be that drunk already
"can of pringles" is totally a legitimate measure of time
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
Why do I think he'd like to keep my hair in a box?
I wore home his HoHoHo boxers. I've never felt such a connection to an article of clothing.
He tried to break dance on the island in the kitchen and ended up knocking over everyone's alcohol onto the floor then yelled "GUCCI" before vomiting
I called you last night? What did I say??
That you love me forever and that I'm the greatest in the world now mohammed ali is dead...
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
when ur drunk laser tag is all fun n games. try it high and all of the aliens in the galaxy want you dead.
Randomize
