my boyfriend just named your boyfriend's penis.
Drinking in an igloo changes everything.
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
He pocket texted me while I was blowing him in the car...What are the odds?
Considering how often you blow him,high.
It was smashing those cupcakes into my face that did it. Junk food and I don't mix.
He tried eating fireworks, to stop him being hungover in the morning. Where do you keep finding these people?!
she puked ON me while she was on top, worst holiday hookup ever
I just yelled at my mom for getting me circumcised without my permission. That drunk
I think animal control just caught me smoking a bowl on the back porch. Do they have any say in this matter?? Haha
Dude, the coffee is horrible this morning, Cass changed something about it
We ran out of Bailey's Irish cream...
This is what regular coffee tastes like?!?! Fuck the adult life.
i think the sex is so good because i get a contact high just from fucking him
I'm so hung over that I just tried to send you a screen shot of the cracked screen on my phone.
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
U NO SLUT. YOUR HEART IS JUST FREE.
We could just go to Vegas and celebrate my singlehood and not contributing to the population.
Randomize
