Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
Try denying you're gay when "I'm Not A Girl, But Not Yet A Woman" comes on Shuffle.
NoDDING MY HEAD LIKE uyuEAH MOViUNG MY HiPS LioKe YEAhhhhhhhhhhh
wow.
it's pretty bad when you go in bed bath and beyond and recognize 6 different bed spreads you've had sex on
I heard a loud ass thump and then I saw both dogs coming around the corner.... Without him. I went to check out what happened and the dogs apparently pulled him down onto his face, knocking him out.
So after I was tied with a feather boa he left me there with KFC and cherry coke
Idk how hard you fucked her, but you managed to leave permanent ass prints on my tempurpedic mattress.
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
If you could smell my eyes you'd understand the whole story
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
Do you participate in Sunday morning booty calls?
Dammit! I didn't see this message, of course I do.
if you come you're not allowed to wear pants. if you arrive wearing pants you won't be wearing them long.
It's a race to see if I finish the bottle first or my homework
Had a job interview today. Walked into the room and said "IT'S GO TIME, BITCHES".
Randomize
