One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
He kept singing "who's that peekin in my window" we thought he was high til we realized someone was lookin in the windows.
Girl walking by was talking on the phone about how he needed to write a gratitude list in her letter to god this week. Too stoned
yep. it's official. for $40 they will let you lick the stripper pole.
So another one of your girlfriends from middle school had a baby. Thank god you are gay, otherwise you would definitely be a dad by now.
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
i have an important question...can you drink in jail?
Do you know anyone with a stuffed cougar? I want one for a self portrait to hang in my house. A bobcat or lynx might work too.
I saw your relationship status and wanted to write "Now you can fuck with some peace of mind that she isn't giving that other guy she met online a handjob."
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
How was your day?
Peaceful. I left the house to get paid and get fried chicken.
If hypothetically I needed to puke on the bus... how would I go about doing this.
She called me at 2am crying because her late night booty call moved out of state
Randomize
