I hate to say it, but I think my pandora being Marvin Gaye love songs was the prime reason for the bj last night
I have way too much money in my bra to be responsible.
He is passed out on the kitchen floor. He will fight you if you disturb him. Just a warning.
lets grab drinks (in a friendly, not super awkward because ive eaten your ass kind of way) sometime soon
wow.
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
Youre the drunk baby that everyone wants to take care of.
So our trip to Disney World ended in the three of us stripping at a gay club in orlando.
Our DD has become famous. Strippers are asking to be handcuffed to him.
you missed 2am bagpipes and my roommate looking hot as fuck in a kilt
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
I mean really am I setting up a snapchat when I'm 40 so I can send nudes to my 23 yr old bf? yes, yes I am. Where is my life heading.
Okay first of all, that is a sick ass nickname please call me that forever. Second, i need your help.
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
You almost got us killed.
YOU’RE WELCOME FOR NAVIGATING YOU TO A ONCE IN A LIFETIME EXPERIENCE.
Randomize
