Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
I cannot stress to you how much better your current situation is than listening to gay sex
think i got pink eye from a stripper in vegas. showgirls did not prepare me adequately for this. be kind, 2010.
Apparently i was peeing on things and marking my territory. I broke their light socket too. Needless to say im banned from their apartment.
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
Think they will judge us if our pre drink is a kiddie pool of jello shots?
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
And I really REALLY don't feel like cleaning cinnamon off my penis tonight.
Nothing motivates a person to clean their apartment like puking up cheese ravioli beer-tequila chicken wings for eight hours.
I started rolling down the window so he pulled into a gas station and i puked all over the side of the car while some dude stared at me. I waved and we drove away
idk. a stripper just bit me. I'm so disoriented
There is nothing wrong with me introducing you as elephant dick. Nothing.
She touched my penis and started laughing. She did the same thing when she blew me.
I mean, he’s listed as “Andrew DC Threesome” in my phone. THATS HOW I REMEMBER HIM! How is that not the start of a fairytale?
I just hit 3 trees and a golf cart.. all on the same hole
Put me down for a bogey
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