Omg alex and i were cooking weiners on a campfire and a bear came and i am waayyy too high for this
I wish real life had facebook tags so i could figure out who all these people are
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
Just because it's been in my vagina doesn't mean it's important to me
So the bartender just told me that there was numerous people who saw me having sex on the rooftop last weekend. +1
I just need three more girls to complete my 'Freak-a-leak' bang list. Know any girls named Zahra, Shavon, or Daronda?
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
so i ran into nick. i may be more gay than anticipated
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
I lost Mario kart three times but I got laid so it wasn't the WORST night I've ever had.
I think you're my feminist conscience sometimes.
I gotta stop fucking the bouncers. We are running out of bars to go to.
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
Dennis picked up a 50 year old woman. Then he and Dan got in a fight and jumped out of the limo. No one knows what happened to them.
Got upgraded to First Class and now I’ve got the whole Pacific Ocean to seduce the very hot gentleman sitting next to me!!! Door closing, wish me luck!
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