Redeem this text for a blowjob
New drinking game: take a shot everytime Jay-Z is played during the NFL draft.
They're putting plan B in vending machines now. My life just got so much easier.
Fuck a-yeah! I just found a wine key. Let 'Don't Fuck With Me Friday' commence.
I told him to keep his feelings in his pants because they're annoying and to just fuck me.
I woke up with a stapler in my ass. Don't even complain to me.
Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
we all thought you were asleep. he found you an hour later sitting outside in the snow lighting a bowl, singing the CatDog theme song, and hugging a box a Franzia.
Everyone thinks I'm sleeping but I'm actually just melting.
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
Tim is a child that you physically can't love because he makes it hard for you to even find anything redeeming about him so you debate leaving him forever at the gas station.
I walked in and saw her crying and singing to her dog
I'm in the liquor store and fucking "Wannabe" by the Spice Girls is playing. IM ALREADY ASHAMED OF MY REASON FOR BEING HERE, GIVE ME A BREAK.
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
Randomize
