i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
I drank it, and now my boss keeps hitting me in the face with beams of light.
Tripping at your desk probably isn't the best plan you've had.
I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
She is totally STD
Is it a bad omen that my phone auto corrects dtf to STD
you know what would be great? if dirt tasted like steak and could get you drunk.
grab my backpack.....its in the fridge
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
Well pulled into the driveway, and there she was. Kinda like a Vegas version of the mint on a pillow
The international association of gay square dance clubs had a booth set up in the lobby of my hotel.
I'm pretty sure your ex of four years just had a baby with some kid and named it after you...
I'm trying to make sure he doesn't drown in the toilet. Because I'm a nice lady.
pretty sure I blew his mind with the sex last night. He repaid me with a five minute conversation about power rangers.
You're doing screenings before you set me up again- no child sized dicks allowed.
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
Now all my porn is stored in my parents’ basement. It’s like a part of my soul is boxed up
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