eating mexican with the mother in law. this meal made her decide to tell us about her colon cleansing diet
I have a feeling this won't be the last time I wake up wrapped in a shower curtain with the words "Blame Bono" spray painted on it
And they were awkwardly all over each other in a Christian way.
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
I can't. I drank 10 years off my life last night. I need to reevaluate. Sorry.
Dude just texted me asking if I could drive 45 mins for a quickie dude use your hand
Being able to fart in my own house is like 90% of why I pay rent
I'll pretend I don't know she's blind, my morals claimed the back seat in this adventure.
I told my therapist about the other night and he actually whistled and said "wow that is not good."
Come to this bar
But I'm full of food.
MAKE ME FULL OF YOUR DICK
the hole that the tears left- fill it with pizza
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
I wanna riverboat gamble on your vaginal waters. Just sayin
Dont be alarmed when you come homeand see a guy handcuffed to your bed. His name is james. Ill uncuff him when I get home
I got dominos and had to stop whilst eating and take a moment of silence for how good it was
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