When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
you were so high you were expressing yourself in action figures
Ever got a vibrator stuck in ur hair? Is worse that getting ur hairbrush stuck.
...well that sucks.
my phone cant type all the emotion im having
I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..
I am not bailing you of of jail
Now he's galloping around the bar. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
He's almost as awesome as vicodin.
Can i tell him you said that? Cuz i know that means a lot coming from you
I need you to help me convince Steph that she will like Tequila if she would chase it with A-1
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
Someone just bought me a one liter long island and call me maybe is on. I'm going to die
if i drink i'll go into liver failure but ok
totally worth it, dude its $1 pbr
i look like i'm walk-of-shaming but i'm really showered and re-clothed and rallying. i fool everyone
Look don't ask questions just know that one thing led to another and I have a shot glass stuck in my ass. I need your help!!!
This date is awful. He’s too boring to bang
Is porn accurate? Can I order a pizza and do the delivery boy?
Randomize
