Over it. He probably jacked off to bible verses last night. I don't want that
You should know I just got pulled aside by TSA because they found a bottle of Bud Light in my backpack... Thanks for that...
only clue right now is the orange grease all on my clothes. debit card denied so I know something weird went down..
He ripped off his shirt and tried to give me CPR. That damn bong.
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
I just sent him 3 long ass texts about how to tell a girl how he feels. I should get a fucking friend zone medal.
I will make you one.
Good. It needs "forever alone" engraved on it
We split an eighth of shrooms and went ice fishing. It didn't get weird until I caught one and we both started crying.
That was the second worst thing to happen to my asshole.
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
If that orgasm indicates how the rest of the year is going to go, I need to buy rain boots.
Dude I bought tampons with cardboard applicators by accident and now I know my vagina hates the 1960s
Same encounter she body slammed me to the floor and than humped me
He actually said the words 'I miss you' followed by 'I wanna have sex with your face'. I'd say that's a win.
If there's a nuclear war you can come over. I'll feed you soup and you can rig up car batteries to power the coffee pot and toaster. We can grow tomatoes and chickens.
Randomize
