Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
dude are you gonna smoke tonight? my day was shit and I wanna get high
worker bees can leave....even drones can fly away....the queen is their slave
nevermind....I'm on the way
You were hopping up and down because you wanted only his strongest sperms to make it to the egg.
Darwin at his finest.
Dude its barely eleven am and there is already a firetruck and ambulance at the shamrock...happy st paddys day
i prefer some hard alcohol, but wine makes me feel less of a progressive alcoholic
His dick looked like E.T.'s finger. It scared me.
as they left, you opened the door, dropped your pants then yelled "don't leave, this is what you're missing"
You wrote me a letter and I cannot make out anything you wrote except the last sentence which says "tell the wolf ill meet him at sunset and that I'm sorrry"
Just got that "I know what's going on with your vagina" look from that CVS cashier.
You bought MORE?!
I hear sloppy seconds go great with fried rice
I walked into the bathroom of the hotel and she's in the bath tub with a guy she met a day ago. They were sharing a shrimp cocktail platter and shot gunning bud lights. Oh and it was noon.
We were coming but I found wine on my way out the door.
Sorry. My phone died in the middle of you explaining why we would never work as a couple. Whatever you were gonna say, I probably agree.
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
Hypothetically speaking how does one remove a lamp that they hypothetically superglued to the ceiling?
Acetone nail polish remover, and you lied about studying last night didn't you?
Oh definitely.
Randomize
