do you think they make care bear costumes for cats?
So right when I was pulling her underwear off with my teeth, she told me, "Stick your penis in my 'nanners." Needless to say, there was no penis-'nanner interaction.
we have to go try and show our tits so we can get ID-free drinks at applebees
So what do you think the policy is on vomit in rental cars? do I have to clean that up or is that part of the service I'm paying for?
I'm not sure which is more depressing, the fact that the hospital is making me put together a living will before surgery, or that all i'll be leaving behind is 25k in student loan debt
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
We had car sex in the parking lot of the dispensery while he blasted Tony Bennett. It was so fucking romantic.
Uhh... I think I meant "Be proud, I'm taking shots before my public speaking test." "Coffee and vodka is not good" and "Also, I'm giving blood drunk."
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
i don't know man... i just want to listen to John Lennon every time i finish fucking her. is this love?
Turns out both me and my grandpa have a guilty pleasure for South American men.
Its mothers day... Can my present be an orgasm...for once?
I was pretty pissed in the morning when I realized he had fucked the fake tattoo right off my chest.
I don't wanna SLEEP with him, I want to start bar fights with him. There's a difference.
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